Feature - A Marriage Is Born

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Even after the first few dates with someone you are never quite sure if your newly-formed relationship will bear fruit. When my husband and I started dating it was the little things that mattered most. We would spend hours at the coffee shop discovering each other through tales of childhood mishaps and stories of our grandparents. Whenever I saw his name on the caller I.D. butterflies would flutter in my stomach. I received remarkable poetry with Gerber daisies in-tow. He was new and different, but most importantly, he was mine. Love had knocked on my front door and left me a bundle of joy on the doorstep: him.

My husband and I are now entering our fifth year of marriage. We managed to nurture our relationship through graduate school and several cross-country moves. If you would have asked me on my wedding day where I would be in 5 years, I would have never guessed accurately. It is as if something new forms with the exchange of vows and, as much as we all like to feel in control of our lives, a marriage seems to take on a life of its own.


Year 1 – The Honeymoon Fog

Moments after conception, a marriage will begin to change and grow. Even after a half decade of marriage experience, my hubby and I continue to fight – what too often seems to be – the uphill battle for happiness. What makes our struggle different from that of a newlywed couple or a couple that has surpassed the 10-, or even 20-year mark? I posed this question to relationship coach, Matt Townsend. Townsend is the founder of Marriage Matters, a relationship and communication coaching company based in Murray, Utah. He is also the author of the book Feeding the Starved Marriage.

According to Townsend, the first stage of love, the Yearning stage, is the easiest stage. It is up to the third year of marriage that your body produces a high surge of chemicals associated with that feeling of being in love – think butterflies in your stomach. “At this first stage we know we are different but we don’t see it yet,” says Townsend. He also refers to this first stage – from a couple’s first date until approximately the third year of marriage – as the “Honeymoon Fog” or the “Fog of Marriage.”

In this fog you may find it difficult to nurture existing relationships. Though your body is frantically generating chemicals that make it difficult to be away from your partner, don’t cut your friends completely from the picture. “When you have a chemical yearning for someone you won’t want to spend time with friends,” says Townsend. “I suggest starting to build friends as a couple.” Townsend also suggests having friend rituals. This can be as simple as going for a cup of coffee or after-work drinks at the bar around the corner. You could also start a girls’ or guys’ night out once or twice a month.


Year 5 – The Past, Present and Future

When a child is five, he or she is beginning to understand the concept of the past, present and future. A marriage of approximately the same age is defined by a lower surge of chemicals and a higher sense of clarity. During this second stage of love the Honeymoon Fog is lifted and, similar to a 5-year old child, reality begins to set in.

It is during this stage, what Townsend calls the Earning stage that your commitment is beginning to be tested. Most couples at any given time are in this stage. There is a shift away from marriage development and toward career or family development. Couples may be focusing on becoming financially independent or furthering their education by earning a degree. “Instead of earning love from your partner by caring for them, an individual may be earning an income or caring for their children,” says Townsend.

The problems you may encounter in these adolescent stages of your marriage are most likely caused by money, communication problems or your children: the number one, two and three subjects couples argue about. Many problems can arise when planning careers or striving to achieve career goals. “You must also make sure to buy into a common purpose,” says Townsend. This means asking the tough questions and defining things like child rearing, each partner’s career and your financial goals as a couple. For example, if you are going to have children, will a parent stay home? Which parent will stay and for how long?    


Year 10 – Consistency without Fail

Moments after a meek and soft-spoken co-worker told me, “If you don’t think I can yell, you should ask my wife,” I realized something quite tragic. I looked back at the man, who I could only think of as mild-mannered, and said, “It’s sad that the person who we choose to be with and love ‘til death do we part, is the person we will be the most vile and cruel toward.” He agreed. This is the same co-worker who would often tell me after a day off, that he should’ve probably went to work instead, because all he did when he was home was make his wife mad. Townsend says starting to think negatively of each other or feeling like you don’t want to go home are signs to seek relationship counseling and support.

Townsend says that most of his clients are in this deep stage of earning. These are the couples who are fairly successful, but way too busy and the root of their problems stem from difficulty communicating. One way to combat these troubles is to develop loving rituals.

Loving rituals are acts between you and your partner that are consistent without fail. Some examples of loving rituals include cuddle time, taking 20 minutes to cuddle before bed; greetings, saying goodbye or hello in the same affectionate manner; scheduled dates, having a weekly date night or a monthly movie date; celebrations, celebrating your anniversary with dinner or planning an overnighter for birthdays. The key to success for these rituals is that they are carried out without fail, no matter how angry you are or what was said the night before.


… And Beyond – A Deep Long Love

By this point in you and your partner’s relationship there is only a trace amount of chemicals produced by your body to affect you and the clarity you have in your relationship is at an all-time high. It is at this point that you and your partner are both sure of your love for one another. You are sure of your commitment and in a stage Townsend calls Enduring Love. This stage of your marriage may also be defined by an empty nest, though extra stress can be added if you begin to take care of your own parents.

Don’t be fooled into thinking, though, that the number of years a couple has been married can be directly correlated to a particular stage of love. Townsend likes to illustrate this point with a story about his wife’s grandparents. “My grandmother-in-law developed Alzheimer’s disease late in her life. It got to a point where my grandfather-in-law had to take care of his wife completely, feeding her every meal for the last two years of her life. He said that he learned more from the those last years of marriage to his wife than in all of the years of marriage prior to caring for his wife,” says Townsend. “We tend to think all love is the same. You can always feel love, but it will be a deep long love if it is earned.”

I sometimes look back at how the marriage and love between my husband and I has grown and matured. I am proud of how we have taken time to nurture it. As you plan to bring your own marriage into this world, remember to give it room to grow and a place in your heart to call home.


 

1. Relax!  After the chaos of putting your wedding together you definitely need a break.  Take the year off and dedicate yourself to just one thing…enjoying your partner.

2. Spend time together You will probably never have more time for each other than right now.  Avoid over committing yourself to other obligations this year and devote your time to building a strong foundation for your marriage.
 
3. Identify Role Models Identify some married couples that you both feel are great role models and examples that you would like to emulate.  Take those couples out to dinner and ask for their advice as to what makes a healthy marriage.

4. Discuss goals and expectations Nothing keeps a marriage more focused than shared goals and expectations.  Spend this first year clarifying what you both want out of the marriage, discuss careers, kids, money, retirement, division of chores and dreams.
 
5. Find some shared friends Take this time to find couples you both like to hang out with, that are in the same stage of life as you are.  Their advice and companionship could really help you transition through this interesting first year of marriage.

6. Build your own family unit The first year of marriage is the year to create your own identity as a couple.  Your new family unit as husband and wife needs a chance to grow on its own and that can’t happen in the shade of your parents or in-laws.  Together find ways to grow more independent financially, socially and emotionally.

7. Save Money Money is the number one thing couples fight about.  Inoculate yourself from those arguments by creating a nest egg of money that can be used in rainy days, a cushion to decrease stress or to help you buy a home.  Savings equals security.

8. Learn communication skills Even though you may not be sensing an immediate need to work on your communication, marital conflict is inevitable. The sooner you learn to handle conflict the more confident you’ll feel.  Try reading and taking communication classes together.   

9. Create Loving Rituals Spend the first year working on loving habits or rituals that you will do faithfully every day to show your partner you love them.  Things like cuddle time, pillow talk, movies, kisses when coming and going, and dinner together.

10. Have Fun!  Remember this is your first year of marriage and although the transition may be hard at times, it can also been fun.  The more fun you have the more positive memories you’ll have to draw on throughout your life.  Choose to make it positive!

 
Heads, Hearts, Hands and Hopes: Four Keys to a Successful Marriage

According to the book For Keeps: Marriages that Last a Lifetime, the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication and commitment. Matt Townsend, relationship coach and founder of Marriage Matters, a relationship and communication coaching company based in Murray, Utah, defines four key elements to a successful marriage in terms of heads, hearts, hands and hopes. Working to build any one of these four areas will strengthen any couple’s marriage.

Heads – Character
Character helps you and your partner make tough choices. It also helps you live up to your promises and builds mutual trust.

Hearts – Communication
Communication fosters mutual understanding and will allow you and your partner to share matters of the heart.

Hands – Companionship
Companionship benefits both partner’s ability to meet their needs and demonstrates that you and your partner are willing bend to reach an agreement.

Hopes – Commitment
Commitment displays that you and your partner have a mutual purpose and are acting on that purpose.